you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
