i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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