Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
