My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
