if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
