I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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