If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
