I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
operation have a gay friend backfired
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
