Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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