it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
my poor anus
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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