my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Drunk is a universal language darling
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