I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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