It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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