I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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