idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Three words: puerto rican gang bang
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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