Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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