I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
