i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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