She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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