i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize