Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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