strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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