i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
