dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
