Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
