You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize