i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
