and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
