Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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