cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize