I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
