you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I have fence marks all over my body
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
