haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
