u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize