when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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