His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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