I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
