I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
