I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
