Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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