Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
NoShamevember. You game?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
