The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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