I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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