It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
