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And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
