so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
