Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
