how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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