morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
