I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
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