K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
