Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Randomize
