Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize