so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize