there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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