my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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