**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
