there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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