Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
