Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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