Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Randomize
