Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Randomize
