Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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