Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Randomize
